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一篇来自专业雅思老师的的批改作文，枪手轻松7.5的，但是苛刻的老师只给了7分，雅思代考 雅思替考
发布:aoya168 | 分类:雅思考试 | 引用:0 | 浏览:
20 Feb 2017
International community should act immediately to reduce all countries’ consumption of fuels such as gas and oil. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Whether or not [ak1] we should cut the consumption of fossil fuels such as gas and oil has been a subject of public concern. Personally, I believe it is wise to reduce the use of gas and oilsuch fuels[ak2] considering the severity of environment issues we are confrontedconfronting [ak3] at the moment.
The prevalent environment pollution and ecological deterioration in big cities hashave [ak4] largely attributed largely[ak5] to the uncontrolled use of fossil fuels. Researches indicate that a themajor source of pollutants in the urban area is car exhaust emissionon cars. For instance, Thetheheavy smog that shrouded most part of China in recent years, for example, has raised an alarm about the overly-speedyoverly speedy [ak6] industrialization and over-reliance on fossil fuels. Moreover, the benefits brought by the consumption of oil and gas are offset by the cost of resolving environment issues. Despite of[ak7] the low cost of drilling crude oil and its consumptionsupply, the government may have to[ak8] spend severalmore timestime moreto on cutcutting [ak9] the negative impacts[ak10] exerted byconsumptionofon [ak11] fossil fuels.
In conclusion, international community should act immediately to lower the consumption of fossil fuels while developing cleaner alternative energy sources.
Task Response: 7
Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Lexical Resource: 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Hi! This composition earns an estimated score of 7. You were able to provide your personal opinion towards the topic as required by the task. Your reasoning was detailed and conveyed in an informative approach. Keep the simplicity of thoughts as it is a very big advantage. Aside from that, maintain your good vocabulary or even make it better. The essay was just slightly challenged by the grammatical lapses in terms of verb tenses, phrase and word order, prepositions, word forms, and subject-verb agreement. However, there is a very visible potential that you can excel in written English. Keep practicing. Aim high. J
--Airis
Edited Version:
Whether or not we should cut the consumption of fossil fuels such as gas and oil has been a subject of public concern. Personally, I believe it is wise to reduce the use of such fuels considering the severity of environment issues we are confronting at the moment.
The prevalent environment pollution and ecological deterioration in big cities have largely attributed to the uncontrolled use of fossil fuels. Researches indicate that the major source of pollutants in the urban area is exhaust emission on cars. For instance, the heavy smog that shrouded most part of China in recent yearshas raised an alarm about the overly speedy industrialization and over-reliance on fossil fuels. Moreover, the benefits brought by the consumption of oil and gas are offset by the cost of resolving environment issues. Despite the low cost of drilling crude oil and its supply, the government may spend more time on cutting the negative impacts exerted by consumption on fossil fuels.
Generally, it is easier said than donefor those countries that rely heavily on oil economy or oil consumption. However, this should not be an excuse to continue the use of fossil fuels. After all, surviving and living in a clean and healthy environment is our ultimate goal. Probably, the best way is to gradually cut the consumption of fossil fuels allowing developed countries more time to develop cleaner and renewable alternative fuel sources.
In conclusion, international community should act immediately to lower the consumption of fossil fuels while developing cleaner alternative energy sources.
[ak1]Indicate an option.
[ak2]Use a synonymous phrase to avoid word repetition.
[ak3]Use the present progressive form of the verb.
[ak4]Pollution + deterioration = plural; have=plural.
[ak5]Word order.
[ak6]Omit the dash to separate the adverb and the adjective. Compound adjective is made up of a noun and adjective.
[ak7]Omit.
[ak8]Omit the verb and preposition to simplify.
[ak9]Use the present progressive form of the verb.
[ak10]Use the plural form of the noun for general indication.
[ak11]Use the appropriate preposition.
[ak12]Use a more suitable transition word.
[ak13]Phrase order.
[ak15]Use the present progressive form of the verbs to function as gerunds.
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